This week has been about juggling, not in the talented circus act kind of a way, I am not very good at that, but about juggling motherhood, life, and me. My blog and particularly my Ordinary Moments posts have been a little neglected for a few weeks actually and it doesn’t come down to one thing. There is no big event or exciting announcement about to happen it is merely just life. Lots of little moments in motherhood that have meant since the start of school again life seems more hectic and I guess more ordinary than ever and I am finding juggling it all a bit of a firefighting mission so clarity to write anything at all isn’t quite there, or not on the top of that never ending priority list anyway.
This week has been particularly crazy and juggling motherhood with life has been really quite hard. I will admit and I have said it before that I find life with two children is hard, life with a school child is hard and life with poorly children, an accident from the husband, whilst I also try and work from home and not let the house fall apart is just, relentless. I would usually catch up with the house or writing in the evenings but this week I have felt like doing nothing more than climbing into bed at the prospect of another broken nights sleep or the daunting nature of the next day.
Roma bless her was awake most of the night Monday night with a reason that didn’t materialise until an hour into her 1 day of nursery a week when I received a call that she had been sick. She continued to be sick when she came home and throughout the following night meaning washing and sleep deprivation mixed with school runs and a toddler attached to my hip. I also therefore lost the one day I planned to get all of my blog stuff done and have spent my days half writing posts and to do lists in my head or on 100’s of little bits of paper and never finishing it which has resulted in me feeling like I am always on the go with it but never getting anywhere. Thankfully there has not been sick since Tuesday but she is definitely still feeling it. She isn’t eating much and has been particularly clingy and demanding at times.
With no childcare and grandparents on holiday I called upon my sister to come and help out on Wednesday and she is the best Auntie who despite Roma’s germs came and sat with her whilst I went to a photoshoot for the day. This in itself is a little bit random and nerve wracking and something I would never normally have on in my week and it made things even more complicated. I will talk more about how it came about another time but it is one thing that I almost called off. Of all the things going on this week the last thing I needed to do was to do something that wasn’t necessary, that wasn’t vital to get through the day and when I really do want to be the one to look after my children when they are poorly and they need me. Alas I did of course go. I spent almost all day at this photoshoot and it was fun, it was completely about me and despite the fact I dropped the children in conversation as much as I could because that’s what comes naturally to me I wasn’t there because I was a mum but because I was me and that felt strange, and good. But I still held onto that dreaded Mummy guilt.
Now I am not the healthiest of people and when it comes to bugs I pick up everything, usually before the children have had chance to get fully better and I end up having to be run down and still muddle through. Sure enough by Thursday evening I felt dreadful and was sick. I retreated to bed as soon as Eddy was home in the hope that it would pass, and quickly. Thankfully it hasn’t been too bad because just a few short hours later and Eddy whom is usually the one that is the rock, the one whom listens to my moans and sees what he can do. Who never gets ill when we all do and whom can physically do the things that I can’t, was unloading the dishwasher when somehow in his sleep deprived and overworked state dropped the biggest chef knife we have and from half way up the stairs I heard an immediate shout of ‘this is going to need stitches’. Cue an emergency phone call to my sister yet again and we spent thankfully not too long but a couple of hours in A&E getting three stiches in his finger and where I found out I am rather quite squeamish! In my defence there was a lot of blood! It was one of those moments where you look at each other and think oh for goodness sakes give us a break. What next.
Whilst this is going on and seemingly in the background but at the forefront of my mind too Eva is struggling a little bit, in general. I talked about this on Instagram and I am not sure what it is but she is fragile. She is not only testing boundaries but is getting really cross for almost no reason at all, getting upset to boot and the school drop off has been a mixture of being fine to full on tears and grabbing at my leg. On Friday as we stood waiting for the bell to ring and wondering what kind of drop off it would be I noticed she had hives on her face. For an allergy mum this isn’t a huge panic and we quickly got her some antihistamine. Whether it was the combination of all of this or actual illness I guess I will never know but I then got a phone call from school to say she was poorly and I had to pick her up. A pretty apt way to bookend the week.
I am seriously exhausted just writing that and as everyone knows there is always so much more than I could ever bore you with here. Meals, bath time, the necessities of keeping everyone alive, you know the drill. Do you ever just wish you could stop the world and get off just for a moment to catch your breathe? Or maybe sleep! This has been me this week for sure and I am ashamed to say that a few balls have been dropped. I haven’t done homework properly, wrote in the reading book when I should, replied to everyone for parties or emails or well meaning texts, or even delivered birthday cards on time, it is just all too much in a really ordinary way. Which of course means I haven’t been the best Mum either, I’ve shouted and sighed and basically done the opposite of what I know I should d, what I want to do and what my children need me to do. I kick myself afterwards for letting the relentlessness get to me. I wonder if I will scar them forever.
That’s the thing. It isn’t just the physical day to day enormity of life but the emotional weight of motherhood that I sometimes find hard to manage. Like making sure they are well rounded people, that they know how to learn and to be, and that the are loved, deciphering what the real problem is when they tantrum or play up and the impossible expectation that you should know what to do yet really you have absolutely no idea. I want to be able to fix their woes and do the right thing and I am not sure that this week that has been me. which makes me sad and guilty.
So I am putting this week into a box, closing the lid and labelling it ‘one of those’ .The kind that we learn from, that teaches me as a parent valuable lessons on how much I can take, when to ask for help, take time for me, and most importantly that it’s now behind us and we can move on. If this week has taught me anything it is that there is a whole lot more me than I let there be. There is more to me than Mum and whilst I love that title and I wear it every single day with pride, I don’t have to apologise for being more than that. I would want that for them so why not for me too? So this weekend is a lazy one of reconnecting as a family before a busy birthday week for me and a trip to London next weekend for Britmums, you see life isn’t about to get any less hectic, I think I just need to learn to roll with it and tell myself that I am doing the best that I can, always.
These photos below are simply ones my sister took when I got back from my photoshoot, it’s just an iPhone picture taken outside of my front door and isn’t something I would normally post but it shows that amoungst all this juggling, all this life admin, school admin and motherhood to get through I was me. I am not an especially confident person but here I am. I love fashion, I love photography, I love coffee and food, I love interiors and I love pretty much anything yellow. I stand here sans children doing my best non awkward (totally awkward) pose to show off my amazing new Zara jacket which might possibly be the best thing I have ever purchased and wearing the same necklace I have worn almost every day since I won it at last years Britmums conference that says ‘Love what you do’ – just before I had to dash off and do the school run with a full face of make up and over volumised hair when I haven’t met any Mum friends there yet that is! And I do, love what I do, despite the relentlessness of it all I would not be without my girls, I love the ability to work from home doing something I am passionate about and I love that every single day of this crazy life is full of surprises.
Maybe tomorrows surprise will be a lie in, hot coffee, no illness and children who want to play together amicably and quietly at the same time whilst I watch on and live a perfect Sunday. One can dream right?
Linking with Donna What the Redhead said for the Ordinary Moments