I think it’s universally known that when you become a parent it changes you, it changes almost every aspect of your life of course but it also changes you as a person and inevitably your relationships too, or at least that is my experience. I have been changed for the good and would never want to go back, I am a Mum first and that is a choice that I make every single day and one which I am (mostly) always happy about and have come to know that actually motherhood is my comfort zone, the place in which I feel most confident and definitely comfortable.
Sometimes though it can of course feel slightly suffocating and monotonous and especially ever since giving up working outside of the home in November it can be lonely. It’s hard to remember what truly is ‘me’, like somewhere along the way I forgot me and forgot to notice what I like anymore and what makes me happy, you know the kind of thing that isn’t governed by “if the children are happy then so am I” (which inevitably is true as it makes life that much easier and who doesn’t want an easier life?)
The same goes for being ‘us’, Eddy and I had a relatively short time of 4 years before we had children but that’s still 4 whole years of practically just thinking about one another each and every day. Yet now rather than giving a second thought to what we might actually like to do, our everyday and even child free time comprises of getting things done and planning how to make the most of the productive time we have…whilst simultaneously missing them and feeling like we have lost an arm (or two) and are not quite complete without them by our sides.
This week though has been a really busy one of me being me and of us being us. On Wednesday I went to Nottingham to meet a blogger friend Amelia from Oh Little One Sweet and it was so nice to have a chat about life and motherhood and throw in a bit of blogging talk too. Thursdays are always the day that the girls visit their Grandma for the day so I managed to get so much done with house and blogging admin. Seriously my emails have never looked clearer and it might sound a bit stupid but it did wonders to clear my mind too. On Friday I went on a spa day with some school mum friends who actually it seems wrong to call them that when really they are now not ‘just’ school mum friends but actual friends. They were my absolute lifeline last year when I went through a really rough few months with pneumonia and this day was my little way to pay it forward and say thanks and it was lovely to spend the time together and completely switch off, although of course we still talked about the children alot!
Then yesterday we attended a child free wedding. I will admit I had a huge cry in the morning as I waved them goodbye to spend the day once again with Grandma and Grandad, not because I thought they would have any less than an amazing day, just because I really genuinely missed them, missed being Mum. It was an emotional morning so I spent it busying myself and taking the opportunity of sorting out piles of old toys to take to the charity shop when little ears weren’t around to suddenly take a liking to a three year old teddy and announce it is the best thing ever and we couldn’t possibly let it leave the house!
Once we had got there though it was of course a beautiful day to spend with friends both to watch them take their vows and to spend the day with other friends too, we really got to be just us. We laughed more than we have in a long time as we sat in the sunshine sipping gin and tonic and practically melting from the heat in full on wedding attire. We held hands, we kissed, we remembered being us again, and the weirdest part is, we didn’t really talk about the children which is actually pretty rare for us. That may sound awful but it’s just our constant, our life right now and as we do rarely go out for more than a couple of hours there isn’t the time to really switch off and get back into just being us and it made me realise we need to do it more, to remember that we are important too, not just individually but together too.
I have missed the children like crazy this week and I know in my heart that I am more than happy being back to full on Mum mode today. It’s been nice though to have that time and to remember that whilst I choose mum everyday I know that there is a still a non Mummy me underneath there too. I haven’t lost myself, maybe I just hide behind motherhood sometimes, that being said I am so excited for the ordinary mundane motherhood week ahead.
I didn’t take my camera out at all this week so these are not my usual type of photos but here are just a few iPhone ones from the last couple of days, and some by a gate in a field because camera or no camera I’m still a photographer at heart!
Pretty sure Eddy will have a word or two to say about posting this last picture and I will say that he was being silly and ironic and not trying to look like a male model deep in thought but, well, if the shoe fits!!