To the baby that never lived outside of me. For not knowing your face, your smile, your laugh.
I love you. I miss you so much my heart hurts.
I should have fought for you. I should have held you and kept you safe. I did not, and I am sorry, really really sorry.
I never got to say goodbye. To grieve. You were swept under the carpet and you deserve more. I wish I could turn back time.
I think every day what you would look like, boy or girl? And how you would fit. Your big sister would love you. She still talks about you, about the baby that died and why did it die? Maybe one day I will be able to explain. The real ugly truth.
That mummy wasn’t brave enough. I wish I was brave enough. I hate Hyperemesis, I hate my body, I hate myself. I love you.
Hyperemesis robbed me of so many thing but you are the most precious. The thing that will stay with me always. No other lasting effects have made the same emotional one.
I imagine you were a boy. I don’t know why and I wish I knew, for peace, or just to see you more clearly.
If only I could have got through one more hour, one more day, one more week, had a choice; I should have got there – I would have got there, I could have got there.
I should have done it. My body should not have given up on us. I just wanted support, I needed a rock, I needed to get through it and I didn’t.
I thought I would gain peace, closure. Get myself back, my life. I did not. I gained a lifetime of regret.
Life goes on, it has to. It has been 2 years. But on this day you would have been due, you would have been mine.
On 19th Feb every year I will remember you, on the other 364 days of the year I will remember you.
The hurt never goes away. It just hides. I ache for you more than anyone will ever know.
I want you to know I am always thinking of you. I will love you forever. To the moon and back.