My youngest Little Lady has always been with me. For 13 months I am just a constant. She is a very confident, independent child whom is happy to go to anyone, happy in her adventures. When she turns around though, I am there, if she falls I am there, when she is hungry I am there, as she closes her eyes at the end of the day, wakes up in the night and then opens them in the morning; I am there.
Similarly I have always been there to do the school run for E. Since she started in September there is no question that come 3.15 when that gate opens and she looks around I will be standing there to collect her. To hear her ask what she has for snack before I have even said hello, to hear as much about her day as I can in the car before she gets home and she loses all memory of those school hours.
On Monday though I started a new job, having not worked outside of the home for 18 months it felt like a really big deal to me. I can be quite anxious and shy and although I know that pushing past your comfort zone is almost always not as bad as you think it is still quite a daunting prospect and on Sunday I definitely had a moment where I wanted to retract and stay home. Where I wondered if my Little Ladies would be ok, if I could remember how to do my job, if I was really any good at it and even if I could walk in the heels that had been pushed to the back of the wardrobe for the most part of two years. I was all consumed with the fear, of being out of place, making a fool of myself, of somehow offending someone and being that one person that everyone talked about when they left the building. It is hard for me to feel like I fit in. I know full well that most of these feelings are more about me than anyone else and even in this here blogging world I have these fears everyday and that’s just part of my make up – I’m working on it!
Since having the children I have found my feet, found that they have allowed me to push my boundaries, for their good. I walk with my head held high to be their mother and it has without doubt made me a better person. I owe them alot. But then they have also become my buffer, all focus on them, I am “E’s mum” and now “R’s mum”; when I am not with either of them I must admit I feel like I am a bit lost. Always looking down to see a little person tugging on my leg, with an ear out and checking my peripheral vision to make sure everyone is safe and happy. Honestly I do wish I was more confident and I hope that for my Little Ladies too, I will try my best to give them as many tools as I can to help them walk through their life with confidence and for them to know that I will always be there beside them if they want me.
I knew I would miss them so much, wonder what they were up to in their day and long to talk to them. Thankfully Grandma has stepped in to childcare for a while so I didn’t have the settling in to worry about however as a mother they are never far from your mind regardless.
BUT I did it! I ignored the butterflies in my tummy as I sat outside wondering what kind of first impression I might make. Tried not to look apologetic just by my mere presence as I walked in hoping no one was watching me wonder which door to go through. And somehow in all of that, no-one seemed to notice and I actually enjoyed myself. I found that I can indeed still do my job, I held a whole adult conversation with no interruptions and even drank a really delicious hot coffee without the fear someone might get third degree burns if I blinked for too long.
You never realise just how much it takes to look after small people until you don’t have them around. And as much as I adore them. And that is A LOT. And as much as I was busy, and I really was, it was (whispers) easy. I am lucky enough to work 2 days a week, by the end of Tuesday my head was spinning and I was truly ready to be at home and more than anything in the world, to see my babies. The ones that drive me up the wall when their demands seem never ending yet the ones I spend any spare moment thinking about. The laughter that is like a breath of fresh air guaranteed to melt away my worries and I could listen to on loop, the crazy that they bring to my life and the absolute unconditional love.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder they say. As I drove home on Tuesday I felt more butterflies in my tummy, yet these were welcome, excitement and anticipation at the prospect of seeing my Little Ladies and what awaited me was even more than I could ever have wished for. As I pulled onto the drive I was greeted with E’s beaming face pressed up against the window, excited chatter as she opened the door for me with a huge smile and an even bigger hug. And as she enthusiastically said she hoped I had had a fabulous day at work little footsteps could be heard just behind her. Racing into the hall stamping her feet, shouting mama mama and squealing with delight. I have honestly never seen her so excited. She ran straight up to me and gave me the biggest kiss on my leg, not wanting to wait even a second longer to get to my face or let me bend down, and instead finding the first bit of me she could hold onto tight. I scooped her up in my arms with her legs still kicking and E still talking away. I was home. And it was perfect and happy. She looked at me, snuggling in tight and smiled. If at her tender 13 months she could have blurted out “I love you mama, I missed you today” I am pretty sure she would have done. But she didn’t need to. I could see it in her eyes. And of course her big sister makes up for it in spades. I felt honoured, overwhelmed and so happy to be that person, to have felt like Laura yet to have the absolute pleasure and privilege at the end of that day to be home, to be their mum, which will always, always be my very best job ever.
With children life changes all the time and who knows what is around the corner but these two make all the juggling worthwhile and ordinary moments like this are worth their weight in gold. So I think I will go to work again tomorrow and hope for another positive week. Here is to a wonderfully new ordinary for us xx
Linking with the lovely Katie over at Mummy Daddy Me for her “The Ordinary Moments”