I wasn’t sure whether to write this, whether it was too much to share. After all this blog is about my Little Ladies, our wonderful adventures and ordinary life. But once again this is life, real life where real things happen to us all the time. And today, well today didn’t exactly turn out as expected. Today was not great.
It is our 7th wedding anniversary and the day our littlest lady turned 18 months old! Two things I had posts about, lovely happy memories, consciously chosen photographs and words to document on this happy day to recall and remember.
Yet today as the sun rose in the sky, my Nana closed her eyes for the very last time and passed away.
It seems the weather here got the memo too. Yesterday as we arrived we were greeted with beaming sunshine that prompted a quick trip to the beach, dipping our feet in the sea and feeling the sand in between our toes. As we awoke, it had disappeared. Today is grey, dull and rainy. It mirrors the utter pain I feel to have lost my Nana and be so far from home.
The overwhelming urge to pack up our months belongings here in France and head for home is great. I feel sadness and guilt that I am not there. My heart physically aches and my eyes hurt that I am not there. I am not there to hug my sisters tight, to feel their pain and let them feel mine. To share the load, to be around with my family, for my Nana, to grieve and to say goodbye. I would buy her favourite yellow roses and place them by her side. I want more than anything to be there. I want to see everyone that knew and loved her in the way that I did, to feel proud and share stories of the woman that we knew, that she was for the whole of her long life.
To remember the person whom I stayed with every third Friday night as a child taking it in turns with my sisters. The person who would even at 60 and 70 years old sleep on the chair and give up her bed for us. The person whom would not let you leave her house without giving you something to take, tissues, a can of peaches – anything just to not leave empty handed – only for you to have to sneak it back in the next time.
I want to remember the way she would always look after us on New years eve when our parents went out, the fact that she trusted my sisters too much with me when we played and the time it backfired when they got a hairbrush stuck in my fringe playing hairdressers and one of her neighbours cut my hair to get it out leaving me with a “tuft” at the front for ages. A story my sisters still laugh at to this day!
Or when we had party picnics on her lounge floor and ate anything brightly coloured and those horrible tasting monster yoghurts from the late 80’s/early 90’s but how she would only eat the blandest of foods favouring fish and chips over anything else. How every birthday and Christmas without fail she would get some licorice allsorts because they were her favourites and how much she loved yellow roses and thought all other colours were pointless. And of course her collection of thimbles that never really became that important until we grew up and suddenly anywhere we went we wanted to bring her one back.
She was a little bit crazy my Nana, but she lit up any room with her personality and wherever she went she could charm almost anyone.
The happy memories and lovely photo posts can wait and I am sure I will publish those in time but today is for my Nana. To be sad. And to remember.
I am more than grateful to have known her, for her to have lived to almost 90 years of age. To have been there in my childhood, sat there proud 7 years ago and watch me get married, to have been around to meet, cuddle, sing with, chat to and hold hands with my babies, big and small. They may not remember but I certainly will.
We will of course say goodbye in our own way, we are there in spirit and when the time comes we will say goodbye. We will make it special, we will cry and we will grieve.
To Nana, Great Nana, Penny, Dot.
The only grandparent I have ever known and the one that in all your craziness I will miss so greatly.
You are at peace now, where you want to be, reunited with Grandad, after 29 years apart.
We love you xx
These photo’s were taken a couple of weeks ago and I will treasure them forever.