Feeling Lost & Garden Days {The Ordinary Moments #20}

Feeling Lost & Garden Days

I’ll start off by saying I’ve been a bit lost with my blog lately. Don’t get me wrong I still love it and I love so many different parts but the writing isn’t coming easy right now. I feel like I sit here and nothing that I write is quite good enough, that nothing is worthy, or means anything and as a consequence the posts that I do write are late and I am so consumed with all of this that it makes being creative so difficult and my usual thinking is, well just a little bit clouded by it all. I don’t know any other bloggers I can call on for a coffee and chat about it and I know that it is a really hard thing to ‘get’ if you don’t blog yourself and the temptation to give it all up is currently very high.

I am not in the least bit blaming anyone, I have fallen a little bit out of love with social media right now as so many others around me seem to as well and I think for me it really stems from life aswell. It isn’t easy right now, not compared to a lot of people of course and there are lots of good days and little joys to concentrate on but we are also just so so overwhelmed. If you’ve read this blog before you probably know that Roma doesn’t sleep well, she can, she just doesn’t always and we are therefore absolutely exhausted all of the time. Getting up so many times in the night and never knowing if a full nights sleep is on the cards is really really draining and makes the posts that I write of an evening (because she doesn’t nap either) hard work or to be honest I just want to collapse on the sofa and have a cry rather than write because no one wants to read every week about what is in my emotional sleep deprived brain.

I feel especially like this with my ordinary moments posts which ironically used to be the ones I loved the most to write and to think about but I feel myself sitting of an evening drained and exhausted not knowing what kind of night is ahead and that is all I can think to write, how hard it feels. Consequently my last few posts have been late which I give myself a hard time about too and then the cycle continues, it will probably be a miracle if this one makes it out in time too.

It’s 7.30pm, the witching hour has passed but the night has just begun and how do you instantly free your mind of the dread and take it back to the joy of the ordinary day? I desperately want to because as much as it is hard at times, and it is right now, I want to make sure I sit and write these lovely ordinary moments and not have to think about it too much at all, for it to flow nicely out of me and remind me when I read it back that it wasn’t all bad, after all is that not the whole point of writing these in the first place? They have always helped me focus my mind on the positive ordinary yet at the moment they seem the opposite.

Anyway I seem to have gone off on a tangent there but I felt like I kind of needed to explain what is going on in my head at the moment and why actually it is probably at these times more than ever that I can concentrate on the beautiful ordinary. Whilst feeling like this the only thing that helps is to stop everything and just be, to soak these every day moments and live right here in the now, although of course as a blogger, or just as me it is easier said than done.

Alas we have had snippets of spring here and there lately and as soon as the sun shines the first thing the girls do is to open the playroom doors with enthusiasm and explore the garden. It isn’t a big garden but perfect for two little adventurers and they absolutely adore it. On this particular ordinary day at home they both wanted to help water the plants which they do with a little spray bottle, you know to avoid them flooding the plants with a whole bucket of water in a 1 inch spot!! It was quite warm and so it very quickly turned into spraying themselves and not the plants and from Eva was greeted with so much laughter.

Roma surprises us every day and she was actually the one that didn’t like the water spray being directed at her, which in itself was a surprise as I was pretty confident in days gone by that she would be the one running in the house covered in water and mud in years to come! Yet it was my shy and reserved Eva Dee who absolutely loved it. She has grown up a lot lately and is much more confident with what she wants to do and was so happy to play with Roma who sprayed her all over and she was absolutely drenched by the end of it. The laughter and shrieks of joy when the water trickled down her back and permeated her white jeans was the epitome of childhood, they even sloped off to hatch a plan to fill bowls of water purely for throwing over her hair and I find myself looking at them, hearing their laughter and seeing their beaming smiles and relaxing, settling into these moments and feeling the joy right with them.

As much as life is overwhelming at the moment because of these two, life is also so much more fulfilling with them in it and in each and every day there are moments however fleeting of overwhelming love for the fact that I get to be their Mummy and I can only hope they feel half as much joy from me as I do from them.

Xx

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Linking with Katie Mummy Daddy Me & Donna What the Redhead said for the Ordinary Moments

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12 Comments

  1. May 21, 2017 / 8:51 pm

    Your photos are beautiful, as are your words.
    I think it’s natural to lose your way with a blog from time to time, I think your blog is a dimension of you, and you add new dimensions everything else needs to find it’s place. And yes, sometimes everyone else just hurtling along as you’re spinning makes it even more difficult to find your pace.
    But it sounds like you’re finding your new path.
    Laughter and shrieks of joy sound perfect.

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:36 pm

      Thank you I think you are totally right there is always new parts of me and my blog taking shape and its allowing that to happen that I need to get used to x

  2. May 22, 2017 / 7:45 pm

    I can totally relate to this, I too feel a little lost at times. I sometimes feel like a outsider looking in at this blogging world. Yet I don’t really have the confidence to reach out to anyone.

    Sleep deprivation is so hard, I have a four month old and each night is full of surprises! I hope it gets a little easier for you. Sending love #ordinarymoments

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:37 pm

      You know I feel like this too its so hard to feel like you are looking in when the online world is tricky to navigate x

  3. May 23, 2017 / 11:50 am

    I completely get this. There are times when I just feel a bit done with it all and just need a few days off to refresh myself. Apart from social media – Twitter I have pretty much given up with and I dip in and out of others. I hope you feel better soon x

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:38 pm

      Thanks lovely it is comforting to know others go through the same even when it seems like everyone else is getting on fine x

  4. May 25, 2017 / 12:42 pm

    I love your blog and these photo’s are lovely. What a beautiful moment to capture! I think we all have these blank page moments, and its okay… I think we put pressure on ourselves but strip it back – why did you start blogging? When i remind myself of that it usually becomes easier. And at the end of the day I do it for me and I don’t need to explain to anyone if I want a night of no laptop and social media and just me time.

    Ill be your blogger pal hahah I definitely have no tribe..more of a lone ranger I think?

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:39 pm

      Thank you so much you really helped and I am sorry it took me so long to say, I will definitely be your blogger buddy though!

  5. May 26, 2017 / 3:08 pm

    I hope you’re feeling better. I feel this too and feel like an outsider most of the time, always doubting myself and so on, you have to do what’s right for you. These photos are beautiful x

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:39 pm

      Thank you it does seem others have the same feelings which if nothing else makes me feel less alone, I guess we are all in this together after all x

  6. May 30, 2017 / 7:51 am

    What lovely, fun photos! My youngest has always been a terrible sleeper so I’ve spent the last 3 years being very tired and I know the anxious feeling about dreading her wake up and not being able to relax.
    I think most bloggers go through phases of how they feel about their blog. Don’t worry about a little break until you feel more positive towards it.
    Are you in any blog Facebook groups or something like that? I only joined in with these a few months ago but they’ve been helpful. Aby Moore’s Mamapreneur Revolution group is good but I think you need to sign up for one of her courses (some are free) to join.

    • August 18, 2017 / 11:40 pm

      The sleep deprivation is definitely tough isn’t it? I don’t think I realised how lucky I was with my first baby!

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