Baby Loss. This isn’t something I would usually write about for my ordinary moments posts. Continue reading →
Grief is a funny old thing. It can hit you when you least expect it, for little to no reason at all or the slightest memory reminds you of the hurt that is hiding away just below the surface. Today as I went about my normal day it hit me. Consumed me. All I could feel was grief, guilt, anger, sadness and disappointment. As I went about my day my only thought was trying to stop the tears from flowing. Continue reading →
Today is International Hyperemesis Awareness Day.
I am all too aware of that word. I have written about my hyperemesis story before and I thought that was all I had to say. All I could share. Yet I sit here tonight and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want it to define me, to govern my every day and to be honest it has left things so raw I don’t think I could. Yet it has changed me immeasurably, changed my view on my family, my relationship with my first born child, her own outlook on pregnancy, the dynamics, my view of myself, pretty much every aspect of my life. We move on, and to the outsider who knows no different we are just like anyone else. I was a little bit sick in pregnancy but here I am the other side and that’s just a story now. But it never ever goes away, never leaves your mind and I still wouldn’t want any other women to have to go through it. I can’t forget it. If I forget it I am afraid that will mean I forget the life that never was, I can’t do that, I can’t fail them again. Continue reading →
To the baby that never lived outside of me. For not knowing your face, your smile, your laugh.
I love you. I miss you so much my heart hurts.
When I found out I was expecting my first child there was this feeling of overwhelming joy, a much wanted, planned for pregnancy. Having been married 8 months and just 6 weeks earlier moved into our new house it was a wonderful whirlwind of emotions. I pictured 9 months of this same excitement as we got ready to welcome our new baby into this little world we had created, our family. I pictured the growing baby, the perfect little bump on my petite frame, the beautiful pregnant lady body, the kicks, the nursery planning, the times just us enjoying every moment before our lives changed forever, the glow that everyone gets…..Right??? Continue reading →
It has been nearly 12 months. Almost a whole year since I gave birth. Continue reading →
I have been contemplating writing a blog for 5 years – I lacked the confidence and to be honest now only 3 weeks in I am kicking myself that I did not do it sooner. I LOVE it! The thing I love most is that I am documenting those days, the emotions, the details that may otherwise be forgotten. The ordinary every day that I know have been lost, some of my 5 year old’s early years I can’t recall and I wish I did. At the time I felt like this was amazing and I wanted to remember it forever, the feeling lingers but the details drift. Especially as having your first is such a different experience to adding to the family. Anyway I digress, so I am going to write some posts retrospectively, recorded for me, for my little ladies and forever. Continue reading →
Often the weeks before a birthday there is an element of reflection, especially I think a child’s first birthday when there is the inevitable “this time last year” conversations. Little R will be 1 in just over 2 weeks. And today, as I watch my 11 month old walk around like it’s nothing I think how small she looks, just a baby. At bedtime I try to get as much milk into her tummy as humanly possible in the hope she will settle to sleep so I can sign off and sit down! Then it dawns on me….. Continue reading →