I’m Sorry – A Letter To The Life That Never Was.

Little Ladies Big WorldI’m sorry

To the baby that never lived outside of me. For not knowing your face, your smile, your laugh.

I love you. I miss you so much my heart hurts.

I should have fought for you. I should have held you and kept you safe. I did not, and I am sorry, really really sorry.

I never got to say goodbye. To grieve. You were swept under the carpet and you deserve more. I wish I could turn back time.

I think every day what you would look like, boy or girl? And how you would fit. Your big sister would love you. She still talks about you, about the baby that died and why did it die? Maybe one day I will be able to explain. The real ugly truth.

That mummy wasn’t brave enough. I wish I was brave enough. I hate Hyperemesis, I hate my body, I hate myself. I love you.

Hyperemesis robbed me of so many thing but you are the most precious. The thing that will stay with me always. No other lasting effects have made the same emotional one.

I imagine you were a boy. I don’t know why and I wish I knew, for peace, or just to see you more clearly.

If only I could have got through one more hour, one more day, one more week, had a choice; I should have got there – I would have got there, I could have got there.

I should have done it. My body should not have given up on us. I just wanted support, I needed a rock, I needed to get through it and I didn’t.

I thought I would gain peace, closure. Get myself back, my life. I did not. I gained a lifetime of regret.

Life goes on, it has to. It has been 2 years. But on this day you would have been due, you would have been mine.

On 19th Feb every year I will remember you, on the other 364 days of the year I will remember you.

The hurt never goes away. It just hides. I ache for you more than anyone will ever know.

I want you to know I am always thinking of you. I will love you forever. To the moon and back.

Little Ladies Big World

 

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. onelittleyogini
    May 25, 2016 / 5:38 pm

    I can’t believe how similar our HG journeys have been – I went through the same – I won’t say decision as that sounds like we feel as if there is a real choice – just 5 days before you. Now pregnant again with my second and somehow made it to 19 weeks. I cannot wait to meet this child – but I will never ever forget. Wishing you love and healing as time passes.

    • Laura - Little Ladies Big World
      May 31, 2016 / 6:20 pm

      It is absolutely not a choice you’re right and I am so sorry you went through that too, it was truly the worst part of my life but then my children are undoubtedly the best. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is ok and well done for getting this far, it’s no mean feat xx

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