Today has been one of those days. Those days that you go into fully expecting to be nothing other than Mum. Where you are happy to be that and nothing else, to be solely there for your child. E had her operation scheduled. At 7.30am we bundled a very hungry 5 year old up to the hospital leaving R with Grandma.
Lady E is a sensitive one, she doesn’t have anything seriously wrong but has eczema, asthma, allergies and tends to be quite sensitive. So much so that it feels like I want to keep her wrapped up in cotton wool all the time. My anxieties about any reactions that might occur were not helped when she came out in a rash from the cream they put on just to numb the needle sights. I managed to hold it together and not much fazes her medically so she took it all in her stride. Whilst they put her to sleep in theatre again she wasn’t at all bothered. But as she breathed in the gas, her eyes started to drop, she started to fight the mask and I could feel the moment drawing near where I would have to leave her I just wanted to pick her up in my arms and run as fast I could to bring her home. It is a helpless feeling I hope never to have to repeat. We waited, I clock watched and I had a little cry.
The fairly standard and routine operation (tonsillectomy, adenoidectomy and grommets) went well. Other than the understandable pain, she was really brave and has been a total superstar.
Fast forward to 5pm and our return home was to find a poorly R.
So now, 8pm and I am sat on the landing having put E to bed to the sound of R waking up crying. I walk across the landing between rooms, barely able to keep my eyes open and my legs from buckling underneath me. Tiredness, hunger, sheer exhaustion from the emotionally draining day.
BUT. They need me.
Of course they want me and there’s not much better feeling than that but they actually need me. Everybody needs somebody and to them I am THAT person. They need me to right their wrong, to wipe their tears and to make them feel like everything is going to be ok. Because to them I am their everything, the whole world and ultimately that feels pretty immense. No matter how much motherly guilt I feel from day to day to them I am enough, I am more than enough, for them I am the best. And I need to remember that. Since Lady E started school I am more than well aware this will not always be the case. That the days that I am number 1 and the person to whom she comes to with everything, from her funniest joke to when she falls over are numbered.
Right now though
They need me, so I drag my weary self from one to the other, from one hour to the next to be by their side, to be THAT person. And for now I will do my best and I will cherish that yes that person is me.
Oh and I will try and remember that at 1/2/3/4am………..try anyway!
Linking with Jenny over at Let’s Talk Mommy